breaking my silence
How am I? What have I been up to these past few days? What am I doing in life?
After our final exams, I immediately went MIA. I deactivated my Facebook account— yet also created a new account on this certain platform—, deleted Instagram and Twitter on my phone since I noticed I tend to spend my time there often even if I’m only active on my dump accounts, and I also deactivated my messenger— my main messaging app— because the thought of people reaching out to me is overwhelming.
The only way to reach me out is by texting me but there’s no guarantee that I’ll reply because I’m not really the type of person who often has a “load”, I only do that whenever I’m out or it’s an emergency. One can say I entered my hermit mode since I cut off my ties temporarily to the outside world.
Like I said, I went MIA. No explanations. No goodbyes. Did I regret it? not really.
The reason
I figured taking a break from everything is what I need. School has been stressing me out and I’ve been dealing with a lot of people lately since I’m a student leader— mind you, it is my first time—, I also have to juggle my academics and make sure everything is balanced with my personal life.
The first 6 months of 2021 went pretty well. Although I got scared since this is the first time I’ve been offered a leadership position and I don’t really see myself as a leader type, I still managed to handle it. I was also an irregular student but personally, I think that was the highlight of my 2021. It was fun because I get to know myself more in the sense that since I hang out and work with different people, I get to see myself do things I never thought I would.
I started gaining autonomy over myself. But the remaining 6 months of 2021 have been nothing but pure mental exhaustion.
The school and org works have been piling up, examinations are happening from left to right, and deadlines are coming after you; it’s a survival game where you either make it or break it.
I’ve had my fair share of experiences when it comes to emotional breakdowns throughout 2021 and it was not a good ride, but as if I’m not suffering enough, it became worse when 2022 entered.
Now, I am not going to dive in deep about my love life but celebrating the first month of the new year with a heartbreak is not exactly how I planned it would be. I also got sick so not my best year so far.
On the bright side, second semester became bearable because even if I have a series of breakdowns, I still enjoy learning and I am enjoying my life as an irregular student.
The enjoyment didn’t last though because when May entered, all I felt was anxiety due to the upcoming presidential result and I’ve been overthinking what my life would be like for the next six years if ever he won. I spent most of my time being anxious and it has been affecting my academics.
By the time they announced who is the next president (spoiler alert: he won), my anxiety was on the roof. It feels like I’d been robbed of my future when they announced his name. All the plans I’ve made for my life started to blur and the worst part, is I haven’t even made any move yet to make my dream come true! but it feels like it is already a dead end.
It has been like that until the end of the school year so I decided to take a break. There are also other factors why I decided to be a hermit this vacation such as being surrounded by a lot of people feels uncomfortable and the thought of everyone having access to me (e.g., I’m only one call away) doesn’t sit right.
Don’t get me wrong though. I like to help people and I like it when people come to me asking for advice or help, but I don’t like the thought that they can simply walk right up to me, ask for help, leave me hanging, and come back to me again when they need me because they think I’m always right there— just a call away.
It’s not like I ask everyone to return the favor back since what I give— may it be a support or advice— is sincere, but I guess there’s also nothing wrong with checking up on me or sending me a message by saying: “hey I stumbled across this post/music/meme and thought of you”. The conversations don’t always have to be long or deep since I am not that much a fan of “long” conversations for the reason I get easily tired (especially if I am not that close to the person), but a check-up or a short message can mean a lot. It’s the simple things, really.
Further, I feel like I give too many pieces of myself to people who aren’t really worth it; not everyone deserves to know me like that. It is somehow related to my previous reason because if I’m too accessible, there’s a chance I will also share a part of me that no one knows— that they, too, shouldn’t even know but ended up knowing because I want them to know they are not alone.
In summary, I feel like I’m being too transparent— not leaving room for secrets to myself. Hence why I want to use this vacation as my opportunity to return back to myself, gain back the pieces I gave to people, and unlearn some parts of me that don’t really represent me (e.g., I’m not always loud or energetic. I also like to be quiet, listen to classical music, read, write proses and poems, and do mundane things such as cleaning, taking a walk, staring out the window, etc). A rebrand, as they say.
this sudden disappearance of my existence from my social life reminded me of what Cuddlywhiskers said to Diane:
“Everyone was worried about you, you know. You can’t just disappear. You really hurt a lot of people.” “Sometimes you need to take responsibilty for your own happiness.” “You don’t think that’s a little selfish?” “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m happy, for the first time in my life. It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, even longer to see it doesn’t have to be that way.”
What am I doing in life?
Ever since I deactivated, I’m at peace but I also can’t help feeling bored so to cure my boredom, I usually spend my time watching movies/series, curating playlists (speaking of, check out the playlist I made below), listening to music, cleaning, and just staring out the window. That’s pretty much what I do. It varies sometimes though because there are times when I scroll on Pinterest, read some blogs, or ask google or my sister the most random question I’ve thought of.
I just do what I feel like doing. If you ask me, it is uneventful but I don’t mind.
playlist I made
I also like to practice being more mindful and staying present in the moment. I have this habit where I tend to worry about things that haven’t happened yet resulting in me not enjoying the present moment and starts to overthink.
It was my counselor who pointed out that hobby of mine and she called me out during my counseling sessions with her. She told me that I need to learn how to be present at the moment and stop stressing about the future (something like that) and I told her that I need to have a plan so in case it happens, I know what to do. I cannot afford to be careless. She replied, saying that discomfort is part of life and we must know how to cope with it. The moment I heard her say that, it’s like the trajectory of my life changed, no kidding. Even if I already had that realization way before, it feels refreshing to be reminded of that realization again.
So here I am,
trying to figure out my life by taking it day by day. I can sense that I have progress ever since I deactivated but it’s not always a happy ending. I still get sad every now and then but instead of making a plan on how to not be sad, I just let myself be. I used to be afraid of feeling negative emotions but I realized that there’s no such thing as negative emotions, what we only have is simply emotions. If I avoid feeling sad, angry, jealous, as well as feeling happy, refreshed, or hopeful, it’s like I’m stripping away the remaining humane part of me because to be human is to feel a lot of emotions. It’s normal.
It is also how you cope with your emotions and what kind of action you would take. You might not control your emotions, but you can control your behavior so focus on the things you can control. I just hope that your coping mechanism isn’t self-destructive though, but hey I’m just a stranger on the internet giving their two cents right?
love you